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Saturday, January 27, 2007

Spiritual growth:

Fortified Camp: deep stirring in me that made me grow hungry for God, a sense of holy discontentment especially during one of the station games when we had to write verses off our memories and then I knew I had none. I felt really inadequate.. especially since I was group leader as well. And even little Vanessa knew Genesis 1:1, I mean probably everyone knew what it was.. but I didnt. Now I do. "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth."

Stop impressing God's people. If anything, the one to impress is God.
Stop trying to gain favour from God's people. If anything, find favour from God.

God also touched me on the first night service, where I stood there, still, fearing God and I was shivering, I felt like I had no control over my physical self. That's good, I suppose! Plus one of the services which Senior Pastor Lun preached about the fear of the Lord. Cos the bible says that true wisdom comes from the fear of the Lord.

Father I pray You will teach me what that means. How to gain knowledge as I acknowledge that God, you are a God of love and mercy and grace, you are a God that amazes. You are creator. But God, I know that beyond that You are also a God of wrath, and justice, and anger. Father the things that You are able to do are way beyond my comprehension. Just as You have created me Lord You can so easily destroy me.

Learning to surrender my whole self - body and soul - to God.
God spoke to me about brokeness. For only to reach new heights, I must first be broken, so that God can pass through me.

Father, pass through me, not pass by me.

There were alot of inner struggles and deceiving from the devil, who instilled a sense of fear that's holding me back. I had a lot of difficulty trying to learn to come to terms with surrendering my whole self. I was scared of the pain that God could put me through, afraid that He may take my family or my loved ones away.. I feared the consequences. Surely it was going to be painful. But God reminded me, through David, that whatever God brings me to, He will take me through it as well.

God's grace will be sufficient for me.

A series of weird/unhappy events.
The Nick incident, the things that were happening in my family plus bouts of emoness which came from dont know where. I thank God for allowing all these to happen so that I can have more direction in my prayer life. Through the Nick incident I learnt that I dont have to fear the devil like that. Who is the devil? He is someone whom I have authority over, for I am the temple of the Holy Spirit. And the Holy Spirit that is in me always, always, reigns victorious. For as I walk with the Holy Spirit, I am made righteous. “For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.” Psalm 91:10-11

Learn to wait upon the Lord.
These events made me feel very lost.. I didnt know how to deal with Nick and if I were doing the right thing. I didnt know if this was what God wanted me to do. I felt loveless as my family was falling apart.. all these made me turn to You O Father. I thank You God for letting all these happen so that I may be able to seek You with much desperation.. As I continually seeked You, I wondered if Lord you were showing favouritism. How come You are so evident in lives like David's and Abby's? How come they can talk about the times when God You've spoken to them and teach them what to do? I felt like God was continually passing me by. How come the holy spirit calls Jeanette to pray over others but she doesnt ever come to pray for me when I step up to alter calls? Does she secretly dislike me? Is the Holy Spirit passing me by again? Do I know you, Holy Spirit? (Once again, Huiting, find favour not in God's people but in the Lord. Dont be concerned over what man judges me by, but live a life that's one of influence. For Im a good vine of the best quality, the purest choice when God first picked me. I thank You O Father that You may choose me, and that You may choose me early in my life.) Why God, I questioned, do you not speak to me? How come I cannot hear You? I prayed that God will open up my ears and my eyes and my heart that I may hear His voice.. The places where He has called me to, the things that He wants me to do.. basically to fufil His purposes for me. Before I can even obey, I need to know what God wants me to do. But for awhile I continued to be directionless, but once again God spoke to me through David, or just simple coincidences like the christmas gift from aunty carol, which gave me this verse
"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as EAGLES, they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31. God was speaking to me that I must be patient and wait upon Him, for that pleases Him! Cos His timing is perfect, His timing might not be the timing we want, His timing may not be our timing, but when the time arrives, man.. I will gain so so much more. And his timing arrived today! He gave me a whole sermon to learn from! To distinguish His voice! It was everything I prayed for! I needed someone to teach me and quench my doubts! Whether the voices I am hearing, which of these are from myself, the devil, and from God! Oh man, it is wonderful. God You amaze me in your own sweet ways Father. Lord I am excited that You are so near me. Father I will hold on to You, I will hold on to You. Father I will not let you go.. That will be the last thing I want.

God's challenge and calling: serve in committee.
I had alot of doubts, which committee to serve in. I know that God has called me to serve in committees since way long back, j2 grad night planning.. cos during that time I felt that many of the ministries dont suit me. (well Huiting, make yourself suit them. God does not suit you. It does not work that way.) And I also felt that I can be quite good at planning certain stuff and coordinating things. I needed God to further show me where He wants me to be involved in. And well I knew it was not Christmas. It was between camp and youth conference. But eventually my heart was found in the youth conference. God challenged me, that though it may be very near my prelims, though that it may be my A level year, will you obey me? Will you take that step of faith?

And Lord I want to say, Yes God, I want to obey You. Now that You have called me, which is what Ive been waiting for all these while, how can I choose not to obey??

God I also want to trust in You and commit my time and my abilities to You. Father I pray that you will use me to the fullest potential and in the most effective ways. Father I want to trust that as I honour You God You will honour me. I want to commit my studies into Your hands. Lord I sign up for committee not with the purpose of receiving Your blessings.. you know that. You know I am so hungry for You. So hungry.. just wanting to draw so near to You. To have such deep intimacy with You.

Father I thank You O God, for reassuring me today. That Lord I know this is Your will for me, cos the moment I signed up I did not have a sense of regret. Father I trust that You will honour me as I honour You. And Lord as I come to serve You, God you will take me to new heights. You will show me even more magnificent things, that Lord You will show me Your glory.

I thank You God for taking me this far. Lord my heart rejoices in You. Father I pray Lord that you will empower me with the Holy Spirit, that I may be a woman of influence, one made from the purest choice of vine, God I will shine Your light, Your glory. Lord this day let me be Your reflector. Father I pray that You will forgive my sins.. especially in the ways I have failed to honour my parents. Lord I pray that You will teach me and guide me to walk away from them, because God You have given me the power against my sins. Lord this day I just want to commit everything into Your hands, Father may Your will be done.

In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen.


8:10 AM____________________________________________________

Sunday, January 07, 2007

O God, I guess when all else fails, I will learn to turn to no one but You.
Here Im saying this to you, this I pray "God, take me. You are the potter and I am the clay. Use me God. Mould me Lord into the person you want me to be. I offer this to you, my sacrifice. God no matter how painful it might be as You break me, I know and I trust Lord that You will take me through. Because God I know You love me.. and all that You do are perfect in Your plans. The tribulations that you'll put me through shall not defeat me if I have you as my warrior. You are my saviour O God I just want to trust in that. Cos God I believe Your promises will not fail, for you have told us that whatever You bring us to, You will also take us through.
Yes God, in Your strength will I break through, I will be Complete in You. O Lord.. I believe that that will be such a beautiful thing God. Just walking next to you.. And knowing that I have You by my side. Whom shall I be afraid? The devil? No! For we as warriors of christ, temple of the Holy Spirit shall crush the devil so easily beneath the soles of our feet. Yes God there shall be spiritual battle and as we defeat the devil and reign victorious, all glory be to You God. For God you walk in such awesome light and you cast demons to the ends of the world. No longer God shall they come to harm me God I pray God that you'll just have protection over me. That as I approach to deal with the matter before me, Lord first and foremost I want to surrender it to You. God wont you speak so clearly to me, Your will? Is this what You are telling me to do? To help him, save him from the devil? Not rob, we do not rob. We only take back what the devil has snatched from us. God if that is your will, I pray that You will speak so clearly and so loudly to me. Then God I will put on the armour of God and defeat the demon in him. Perhaps that might seem far to reach, but God you know my heart you see my heart, ultimately I want to share the Gospel with Him and bring Him closer to You. In the midst of all these I thank You God for the brothers and sisters in christ that Youve placed in my life. That I have these friends with me that can guide me and help me with problems as such.

God can you hear me? Im so hungry for You.
Break me, God. Regardless of the pain, Lord I ask for a breakthrough.
I want to do nothing but to please You.


3:51 AM____________________________________________________

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Dear God,

it's been such a long time since I came here and I completely forgot about this blog that I started up many months ago to help me as I grow in You Lord. Im writing this here for memory's sake now that Ive been filled so deeply with the Holy Spirit and just being able to communicate with You like my best friend God. So God I just want to praise you and thank you for everything that you've done for me on the cross and beyond Lord your love reaches no boundaries God you are king Lord I proclaim you are king almighty! Dear God in heaven whoohoo I feel so empowered in the spirit right now Lord & over these months Ive really grown so much spiritually. Oh lord so cute you are, always appearing in my thoughts Lord just like how I would think of someone I love :) I love you, God.

In Jesus' most most most precious name I pray,
amen.


9:22 AM____________________________________________________

Saturday, March 11, 2006

HI GOD!

Im so glad I went to church today because today has been awesome. Just to be in your presence, in the house of the Lord and to be filled with the holy spirit. Ahh.. Awesome. Really awesome feeling. Once again You answered my prayers and filled me with the holy spirit and as I spoke so boldly in tongues, I shook, I trembled, and I just weeped. Overwhelmed by your presence and my Lord God, what revelation youve given me.

Through this sort-of ordeal, I learnt so much more about You. That God you are a God of Justice and will be fair to all your children. So I guess that includes me and mitchell, and probably Jeremy. Mitchell and Jeremy wants to stay in the class, but I dont. But God because you are so good to each and everyone of us, Youve provided a way for all of us, to answer to my prayers. Amen. What revelation. I understand now Lord that there is a reason for everything you do.

And Lord today you revealed your compassionate side to me once more as you showered your tender care upon me. That as I stepped up to the alter, the reverend placed his hand upon my head. And when Pastor Joyce prayed for the RJ cell, that I was touched by You through her too. It brought to light how you cared so much for me. Who am I, that the son of all the earth, would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt? It's You, God, the son of man, the lover of my soul.

Also Lord Im tremendously comforted by all my friends' concern for me, and my sis too. Amen Amen Amen. Lord you are so wonderful. And God I pray that you will continue to bless upon us, my family and my friends. The cell group, as well as revival for the school, Lord. Revival for RJC Lord that Your consuming fire would set the school ablaze with your holy spirt Lord that each and everyone of us can come together just to worship you Lord. Lord I pray for openness. I pray for opportunities to be able to lead the pre-believers to You Lord cos every small step is important, and every small step taken can make the difference. Oh Lord just fill the christians in RJC with the holy spirit. Amen amen. And my Lord God Id like to pray for my family. That Lord you will bless us with health, in spirit and physically. That Lord you will grant us strength to overcome whatever troubles that we may face as a family. And Lord Id like to pray that my dad and mum, sis and brother would one day get to know you, and acknowledge You as their own personal Lord and Saviour.

I thank You Lord for your blessings, for the revelation. Lord I pray that this burning fire that you placed in my heart today will not die off easily. That this passion may be transformed into actions, that it used to live a Godly life. That it is used to worship you Lord and spend time with You Lord. God Im sorry Lord for using vulgarities in one of my entries. That was blatantly going against the word of God and Lord today I confess this sin of mine to You. Lord I have been having lots of.. dislike for this particular person and I understand now that what Ive been doing is against Your will and it is something Jesus would never do. That I should love my neighbours, that love is the greatest commandment of all. So Lord I pray that You can just forgive my sins and cleanse me clean.

Amen.


7:29 AM____________________________________________________

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Dear God,

as you might have known, life isnt smoothsailing for me at all. For one, I really really really am very miserable in my present class, feeling excluded and everything, it sucks a hell lot and Im just always running away from my class cos I hate it soso much, ugh. Oh God, have you heard my cries to you Lord? My desperate plea to just present me with a solution that will resolve all of these. Haiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Lord... I hate my school life. God I really really REALLY REALLY REALLY want to change class. Please..

And what else. my cca. it is like going no where. Recent events have made me feel like some loser failure. c6 for chinese even though I mugged so hard. b3 only for cca. and it really hit me hard at how much of a failure i am as compared to my other classmates in school, which is another reason why I dont like my class, and my school life.

And Ive no best friend. I mean yes god theres you still but.. i think you know what i mean. everybody else in school has settled down more or less in their own new classes and im just.. ugh, i dont know, irritating my friends by crashing theirs.

And God, Ive been feeling spiritually dry.. I mean, the level of.. spirituality is definitely not as high as it was during the holidays :( Lord just fill me in.. fill me with the holy spirit always that I may always think of you, see your ways, hear Your words. Lord. And Lord I pray for my dearest friend Kenny, that you will present him with opportunities to seek you once more and rededicate his life to you my lord. Jesus, he's been through a rough patch lately with his family problems and God I pray that when he runs back to you, that all wounds would be healed and that he will be renewed once more. That Lord he will finally be, a happy soul. And Lord I pray you'll bless me Lord, that I, too, will be happy in my new school.

God I thank you and am amazed by you, that in such a short while my dear friend mel has grown so much spiritually. Im really amazed by how much Youve changed her, that she seeks comfort in you, that going to church really changes her, to be more self-conscious cos she now has you in her heart. Hallelujah. God I thank you for the numerous blessings youve given me, that I may lead a healthy life. Lord I pray that you'll continue to bless my parents' health and happiness as I have honoured You.

In Jesus' most precious name, I pray,

Amen.


6:18 AM____________________________________________________

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Prayers

God is a Father to us, His most precious children.

1. Pray in spirit, invite the holy spirit to our sould and pray, only then is the prayer a real one. Be desperate in your cries and our Father will answer them,
2. Because like our own biological father, God will give us what we desire YET God will not give everything we ask for, like any father would. God will answer our prayers always (yes no maybe etc.) but He will decide to give only whats good for us and in accordance to His plan for us.
3. God is willing to give us anything that is for our own good, like a Father does. God even willingly sacrificed His only begotten son, Jesus, to die for us! Can you imagine His agony? How will he not also, along with him, give us all things?- Rom 8:32
4. Man looks at the outward appearances, but the LORD looks at the heart- sincerity in praying, not merely mouthing words. prayers must have pure intention.

Woo, God! See I learnt so much over the past week. Thank You God :) I also learnt that

#It is how we behave when God is invisible that reflects our true character. God I understand You are testing us. Cos if You are visible, then we will all tremble at Your presence and do things only because we fear You, and not because we love and worship You.
#God's great love is shown through Luke15:4 'the Shepherd will leave his flock of 99 to look for one lost sheep' so that God can forgive this sinner. Amen! My God is a God of love and justice :) Thats right. My God is so awesome and so compassionate.

Dear God,

Marcus always make me sad, how? Dear God, does Marcus talk to You about me? Does he feel hurt and regret like I do, too? Dear God, reveal his heart and mine, for I no longer know how to deal with this. That's right, LORD, You had just reminded me of how I should trust in You (and keep my promise to Mel). Is that why You didnt allow Marcus to talk to me yesterday? So I can be protected from harm? Ahh okay, I see it now. Haha, God, You are a genius la! <3 I love You, I love You, I love You. You shelter me from hurt, and i so love You God my Almighty King!!!


7:57 AM____________________________________________________

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Dear God,

I am so upset today I could cry, I cried so much the tears were just flowing endlessly Lord, I cried out to You Lord my king, did you hear me desperate plea for help and healing? Netball tryouts today, which I chickened out but just seeing the rest at the court playing really made my heart ache so much, it was unbearable, I cldnt take it and walked away. I should be there, too. Lots of apprehension, regret, and so many 'what ifs'. What if, I had joined netball in sec1. I could possible be fitter and less fat, look better and more appealing. Be more socially acceptable (like please man look at the response when i say chinese drama), have more friends. Have a higher level of netball now. My passion you know. I really really really love netball Lord. I also pray so hard that this recre netball thing will work out. I pray, hard, with heart, Lord. Please Lord if this is Your way then Ill surrender Lord, just speak to me and show me the way. I dont know what to do and Im at a lost. Lord. Lord. Please. I want to seek you.


6:43 AM____________________________________________________





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