Saturday, December 03, 2005
Dear God,
I was just talking about my fear of committing into friendships to Arianne, and that scares me greatly. See there was so much that happened in July, so much that has hurt me badly. I spoke to You about it too, do You remember? It was about Marcus, this boy who used to be a very good friend of mine. He was almost my confidant, I liked and loved talking to him, I couldnt wait to tell him all of the interesting incidents that happened in my everyday life. Yet as time passed, we grew distant & I felt a lacking from him, as though he didnt care about me anymore, like hes given up on this friendship the both of us have nurtured for such a long time. It hurt alot when I decided to stop trying to save it anymore and to give it up, because after each time I tried.... it always fails, & it's just another stab in my heart. Sad sad July it was. This whole marcus incident also made me skeptical about online friendship, I even said that I wasnt gna try to have another friend like him anymore. I didnt want the entire cycle to happen again, I wanted to protect myself from such hurt. Well Lord, it hurt alot and for a very long time, I think I must have thought about Marcus at least one each day, and still. Everything around me reminds me of him, Lord. But thank You Lord, You have been so graceful to me, You heard my prayers & sure enough, Youve cleansed my heart, and healed me so. Thank You Lord, I love You sososo. But I guess the scar will always be there, Im left hesitating to make new friends, like Bobo. Dear Jesus, I have this premonition, that the same thing is going to happen again with Bobo. See we became a little closer recently, we texted each other all night on Sunday. It was really quite alot & I realised that what I was doing was bad, like I was harming myself. I could think of so many reasons why I should keep a larger distance from him because firstly, he is attached and his girlfriend is away back in her homeland right now, for a month. I feel very guilty with what I was doing, as though.. I cant say it. I dont want our friendship to develop into something more than that. And Im sure if his girlfriend learns about it, she would be upset too. I dont want to be standing in their way. Another reason must be because I wasnt sure what our friendship was based on. With Marcus, I knew he wasnt befriending me for a relationship, but sincerely for a friendship. I was very comforted by that, yet at this point, the very same time, I feel regrettable that things between us have turned so sourly. It sucks, Lord. A whole lot. But then again I guess its beyond repair, how could things ever return to how it was in the past, when we both were happily chatting away without worries. If we become friends again, I can only foresee the strain. For both of us to try to keep up with the friendship so that the July saga wouldnt repeat, Lord. Things can never be the same again, the exact same words he said to me, the exact same truth.. Well Lord I trusted in You and left myself in Your abandon. I am going to trust in You and move on, without Marcus being a part of my life anymore. It's the end. And for Bobo, I wasnt sure what this friendship meant. He seems to be a little flirtatious and that bothers me, Lord. How can he do that to his girlfriend right! So evil. Jesus, I think he is still very much in love with his girlfriend, but all these flirting, I think he is just trying to lead me on. Because he knows that I think he is cute, heheh, and also because he knows that I disapprove of teenage relationships. Not disapprove, just dislike. I pray and pray and pray that I will not be tempted into one, Lord. Yeah so I was just thinking, if this friendship simply meant, an opportunity for Bobo to lead me on, into falling for him, so as to boost his ego, that it is definitely not worth it, right? It's not even sincere. It is solely for his selfish means, Lord. If that's true, I am extremely disappointed, but in order not to be hurt again, I guess it's best I dont commit so much, right Lord? Bobo not being too good a friend= not losing a very good friend, like Marcus. Im fearing so much, Lord. All these apprehension & hesitation... Im not sure if thats good or bad. I keep thinking, what will happen when chanmalichan comes back? Id just be cast aside. Definitely that was gna be it, whether I like him or not. I guess such things are inevitable right. You cant be close to a guy friend whos attached. I will never be as important to him, than he was to me, simply because his girlfriend will always command a higher position in his heart, which is completely understandable, and this is not something that Im jealous about. It's just.. the way things are. I dont like that feeling though, of having the lower hand in the friendship. If we are good friends, I can and will try to be always there for him, yet I know he cannot do the same. Simply because he is attached, Lord. Father I just pray that you will give me strength to overcome all these fears. Actually I dont know what I want, but Im already pretty sure that I should keep a safe distance from Bobo. Thats the best way. The best way to protect myself from potential hurt. Of being abandoned again. Of losing a good friend. That pain is too much to bear, Lord.
Yet, Father, I dont feel the same kind of fear for Arianne. So I would like to thank You so much for placing Arianne in my life. She has been awesome, & always there for me. Today, only just, she made me realise how bad I was treating my dad. Both she and I like the new nokia phone which is close to 500 bucks but upon trade-in, is 300. Even so, I cant believe I made such a fuss about getting the lousy 6020 today. I am so bad to my Dad, Lord. Please cleanse me of my sins and I pray that I will learn from this lesson, Lord. Honour your parents. I must. All along my dad and mum has given me so much. The ipod, the 6220, the hongkong. I know this is a privelege that already, many kids in Singapore enjoy. Yet that doesnt mean that I should devalue this kind of unconditional love from my parents. I must grow up, Lord. After all, they especially my Dad, are not earning exactly THAT much.
Lord, I like this new journaling thing. It is getting onto me & I definitely feel a little closer to You now, so Im glad! (: Now for the prayers.
Father, I pray for my grandmother. I pray for her speedy recovery, Lord. Father I pray that You will just bless her with the strength to overcome the badbadbad diseases and bacterias, that You will bless her with the determination to tide her through tough times, Lord.
Father, I pray that You will continue to fill me entirely of the holy spirit, that I can grow up and learn in the name of the Lord. Father I want to be a testament for You Lord, to spread Your glory and Your absolute magnificence. Father I just want to show how much You have changed me in the numerous positive ways. Father I want to let the whole world see how awesome Your precious, sweet touch is, and to let my non-christian friends out that see for themselves, through my very actions, Your power and grace, Lord. Father I pray that I will grow up and mature in Your holy care, Lord. That I will learn how to appreciate the many awesome things that has happened to me, Lord. Things that I never really noticed, things that I took granted for. Like my parents, I pray that I will be disciplined, I pray that I will learn how to not hurt them so much again, Lord.
Father, Id like to pray for Lois. She received shocking news that she will be sent for competition to Hongkong, like just and there isnt time to prepare at all. So Lord I just pray that she will be given all the luck in the world to tide her through these (: Father I also pray that Lois will accept You into her life, Lord. That she will realise that only You are Lord, our Saviour, our King, how much You have sacrificed and paid the price for my life, for her life. Father I just pray that Lois will come to You & seek You soon, that she will be given the gift of salvation.
Father I like to pray for strength (I know I always ask for this but really, I need to be brave, to be courageous to step out). Yes, Father I need to step out and step up. Father I want to bring Nick, my sis, my dad (who is already baptised, but has since backslided), and my mum to You, Lord. That they can one day, accept You my Lord as their personal saviour. Jesus I just pray that You can rise me up like the rest of the leaders in church, to step up my faith and bring more of Your beloved children to You Lord.
Father I like to pray that someone pleease please please come calling me, to say that I have been accepted into a job! I really really want to work, Lord. Father please just bless me with this gift.
I am really proud of the time that Ive shared with you today, Lord. I hope this continues on and on, and I know it's not only about the quantity, not only about the length of how much time I have committed to You Lord, but it is about the spirit and attitude of christ. I thank You Lord, for all Your blessings, for all my talents and good luck. Father I just want to bless Your holy name. Father I just want to shout out
4:06 AM____________________________________________________
I was just talking about my fear of committing into friendships to Arianne, and that scares me greatly. See there was so much that happened in July, so much that has hurt me badly. I spoke to You about it too, do You remember? It was about Marcus, this boy who used to be a very good friend of mine. He was almost my confidant, I liked and loved talking to him, I couldnt wait to tell him all of the interesting incidents that happened in my everyday life. Yet as time passed, we grew distant & I felt a lacking from him, as though he didnt care about me anymore, like hes given up on this friendship the both of us have nurtured for such a long time. It hurt alot when I decided to stop trying to save it anymore and to give it up, because after each time I tried.... it always fails, & it's just another stab in my heart. Sad sad July it was. This whole marcus incident also made me skeptical about online friendship, I even said that I wasnt gna try to have another friend like him anymore. I didnt want the entire cycle to happen again, I wanted to protect myself from such hurt. Well Lord, it hurt alot and for a very long time, I think I must have thought about Marcus at least one each day, and still. Everything around me reminds me of him, Lord. But thank You Lord, You have been so graceful to me, You heard my prayers & sure enough, Youve cleansed my heart, and healed me so. Thank You Lord, I love You sososo. But I guess the scar will always be there, Im left hesitating to make new friends, like Bobo. Dear Jesus, I have this premonition, that the same thing is going to happen again with Bobo. See we became a little closer recently, we texted each other all night on Sunday. It was really quite alot & I realised that what I was doing was bad, like I was harming myself. I could think of so many reasons why I should keep a larger distance from him because firstly, he is attached and his girlfriend is away back in her homeland right now, for a month. I feel very guilty with what I was doing, as though.. I cant say it. I dont want our friendship to develop into something more than that. And Im sure if his girlfriend learns about it, she would be upset too. I dont want to be standing in their way. Another reason must be because I wasnt sure what our friendship was based on. With Marcus, I knew he wasnt befriending me for a relationship, but sincerely for a friendship. I was very comforted by that, yet at this point, the very same time, I feel regrettable that things between us have turned so sourly. It sucks, Lord. A whole lot. But then again I guess its beyond repair, how could things ever return to how it was in the past, when we both were happily chatting away without worries. If we become friends again, I can only foresee the strain. For both of us to try to keep up with the friendship so that the July saga wouldnt repeat, Lord. Things can never be the same again, the exact same words he said to me, the exact same truth.. Well Lord I trusted in You and left myself in Your abandon. I am going to trust in You and move on, without Marcus being a part of my life anymore. It's the end. And for Bobo, I wasnt sure what this friendship meant. He seems to be a little flirtatious and that bothers me, Lord. How can he do that to his girlfriend right! So evil. Jesus, I think he is still very much in love with his girlfriend, but all these flirting, I think he is just trying to lead me on. Because he knows that I think he is cute, heheh, and also because he knows that I disapprove of teenage relationships. Not disapprove, just dislike. I pray and pray and pray that I will not be tempted into one, Lord. Yeah so I was just thinking, if this friendship simply meant, an opportunity for Bobo to lead me on, into falling for him, so as to boost his ego, that it is definitely not worth it, right? It's not even sincere. It is solely for his selfish means, Lord. If that's true, I am extremely disappointed, but in order not to be hurt again, I guess it's best I dont commit so much, right Lord? Bobo not being too good a friend= not losing a very good friend, like Marcus. Im fearing so much, Lord. All these apprehension & hesitation... Im not sure if thats good or bad. I keep thinking, what will happen when chanmalichan comes back? Id just be cast aside. Definitely that was gna be it, whether I like him or not. I guess such things are inevitable right. You cant be close to a guy friend whos attached. I will never be as important to him, than he was to me, simply because his girlfriend will always command a higher position in his heart, which is completely understandable, and this is not something that Im jealous about. It's just.. the way things are. I dont like that feeling though, of having the lower hand in the friendship. If we are good friends, I can and will try to be always there for him, yet I know he cannot do the same. Simply because he is attached, Lord. Father I just pray that you will give me strength to overcome all these fears. Actually I dont know what I want, but Im already pretty sure that I should keep a safe distance from Bobo. Thats the best way. The best way to protect myself from potential hurt. Of being abandoned again. Of losing a good friend. That pain is too much to bear, Lord.
Yet, Father, I dont feel the same kind of fear for Arianne. So I would like to thank You so much for placing Arianne in my life. She has been awesome, & always there for me. Today, only just, she made me realise how bad I was treating my dad. Both she and I like the new nokia phone which is close to 500 bucks but upon trade-in, is 300. Even so, I cant believe I made such a fuss about getting the lousy 6020 today. I am so bad to my Dad, Lord. Please cleanse me of my sins and I pray that I will learn from this lesson, Lord. Honour your parents. I must. All along my dad and mum has given me so much. The ipod, the 6220, the hongkong. I know this is a privelege that already, many kids in Singapore enjoy. Yet that doesnt mean that I should devalue this kind of unconditional love from my parents. I must grow up, Lord. After all, they especially my Dad, are not earning exactly THAT much.
Lord, I like this new journaling thing. It is getting onto me & I definitely feel a little closer to You now, so Im glad! (: Now for the prayers.
Father, I pray for my grandmother. I pray for her speedy recovery, Lord. Father I pray that You will just bless her with the strength to overcome the badbadbad diseases and bacterias, that You will bless her with the determination to tide her through tough times, Lord.
Father, I pray that You will continue to fill me entirely of the holy spirit, that I can grow up and learn in the name of the Lord. Father I want to be a testament for You Lord, to spread Your glory and Your absolute magnificence. Father I just want to show how much You have changed me in the numerous positive ways. Father I want to let the whole world see how awesome Your precious, sweet touch is, and to let my non-christian friends out that see for themselves, through my very actions, Your power and grace, Lord. Father I pray that I will grow up and mature in Your holy care, Lord. That I will learn how to appreciate the many awesome things that has happened to me, Lord. Things that I never really noticed, things that I took granted for. Like my parents, I pray that I will be disciplined, I pray that I will learn how to not hurt them so much again, Lord.
Father, Id like to pray for Lois. She received shocking news that she will be sent for competition to Hongkong, like just and there isnt time to prepare at all. So Lord I just pray that she will be given all the luck in the world to tide her through these (: Father I also pray that Lois will accept You into her life, Lord. That she will realise that only You are Lord, our Saviour, our King, how much You have sacrificed and paid the price for my life, for her life. Father I just pray that Lois will come to You & seek You soon, that she will be given the gift of salvation.
Father I like to pray for strength (I know I always ask for this but really, I need to be brave, to be courageous to step out). Yes, Father I need to step out and step up. Father I want to bring Nick, my sis, my dad (who is already baptised, but has since backslided), and my mum to You, Lord. That they can one day, accept You my Lord as their personal saviour. Jesus I just pray that You can rise me up like the rest of the leaders in church, to step up my faith and bring more of Your beloved children to You Lord.
Father I like to pray that someone pleease please please come calling me, to say that I have been accepted into a job! I really really want to work, Lord. Father please just bless me with this gift.
I am really proud of the time that Ive shared with you today, Lord. I hope this continues on and on, and I know it's not only about the quantity, not only about the length of how much time I have committed to You Lord, but it is about the spirit and attitude of christ. I thank You Lord, for all Your blessings, for all my talents and good luck. Father I just want to bless Your holy name. Father I just want to shout out
Yes Lord, Yes Lord, I thank You Lord, I thank You for every minute that I have spent with You, Lord. I thank You for cleansing my heart, for setting me free, Lord. How could I live without You, how could I survive without Your love, without Your touch? You are the one that heals me and cleanses my heart, and sets me free, Lord. I thank you for all these. Thank You, Jesus.
All I want is You, Lord
4:06 AM____________________________________________________
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